As someone who is heading into college soon a job became something that was needed in my life. And through various circumstances I ended up working full time there. It was now that I realized the all work and no play saying is a very real thing. Working so much has made me feel all sorts of ways worse than when I had social interaction through school. The two biggest ways are my lack of energy and my overall view on social interaction.
The first is that after working a physically intensive job I get home and just want to sleep but can’t. So I just laze about browsing Twitter and Youtube until it comes time to sleep. I haven’t written basically anything since I started working more. But the amount of video games I’ve gone through has increased exponentially. My body just wants to relax instead of doing something that will be personally fulfilling or expand my scope of things I like. Instead I just play Fortnite or Hollow Knight for hours on end.
The other way working more has taken out of me is that I haven’t had any social interaction with my friends in multiple weeks. The last time I interacted with any of them was at a funeral just under two weeks ago. Not seeing people made me realize how much I crave just being myself with people. I work primarily with older men so I don’t really end up being myself and instead just end up being an annoyed asshole. Which has taken its toll on my mental health as my mind during work is always negative or annoyed with what’s going on around me. I haven’t had real fun in weeks and I hate that. I’m a naturally snarky person, but I can’t be snarky at work so it feels like there is a part of me that is just being holed up inside. This part of me that desperately wants out, but has no way to get out.
What this all brings in as well is my inevitable departure for college in the middle of nowhere because I made the stupid decision of only applying to two colleges. Where these feelings will either go away with new friends or increase if I don’t find myself enjoying my college experience as much as I think. College is very much going to be a time of discovery for myself as I am still basically wandering the world without a goal. I set high school teacher as a goal post, but the thought that I just picked that without actually wanting to do it weighs on me greatly.
At the end of the day, I’m stuck in a cycle where I have ideas for stuff to do and things to do with friends, but no time or energy to do them. So writing this is an attempt to try and change that to put myself back on a path.